There is a great connection that can happen between people. In happy situations we create beautiful relationships. But there is another aspect: A strong bond is created through sharing the real voice of your heart with someone else and feeling accepted. Sharing a bad event and knowing you are not alone or wrong in any way as a person, gives a peaceful feeling, that can become a solid base of your health.
Bad events can happen in the least expected moments and can leave emotional scars that can be carried for months or even years. Sometimes the scars can be so deep that we don’t even realize how they can affect us in daily activities. The way we decide to perceive them can make us more resilient, physically and mentally. Our mind is our strongest weapon. Remember to always use it for your protection and safety in this world, not against you.
Think of your life story.
What happened in your life in some moments that made it hard to handle? Moments when you felt lost, scared, prejudiced, followed by bad luck, or even worse, moments that put you in a painful situation or even life threatening point?
Most of us have a memory of this or some are still embracing it now, as a struggle. There was no reason for you to read this article if you considered your life or past absolutely perfect and you felt untouched by any negative emotion.
Yes. I feel you. We were all there at some point. For many, there are moments when they have wished to close their eyes and wake up the next day, when everything would be better. Or for some, looking back at the past can bring regret, sadness, anger, envy, remorse, shame, confusion, desire.
I could definitely share a few of mine and a few thousands from people that I have encountered during my personal and professional experience. For any second that you have felt alone in this, keep in mind that there are so many things that could be perceived as suffering :
– going through a very hard breakup
– being treated unfair
-being stuck with a job, financial situation or relationship that affects your well being
-struggling with depression or anxiety or any mental/psysical disorder
– feeling very lonely or feeling like you do not belong
– struggling with addiction
– struggling with negative body image
– struggling with a pandemic
– being very sick in hard conditions or for a long time
– having a beloved one struggling with illness
– being involved in an accident (you or a beloved one)
– losing a part of the body
– finding out about a cancer diagnose
– finding out about the cancer diagnose of a beloved one (friend, family, parent, child, spouse, partner, colleague)
– losing someone in your life because of death
– loosing connection with parents or other family members or friends without wanting that
– loosing your job
– loosing your money, or house, or values, or savings
– struggle with your business or have debt
– live in hard financial conditions
– loosing a partner that you loved because they left you, cheated on you or they chose chose someone else
– being abused verbally or physically
– being sexually abused by someone you know or a stranger, as a child or as an adult
– being bullied, humiliated, ignored, abandoned in personal or professional
situation, as a child or as an adult
– being robbed
– being powerless due to any circumstances
– having a miscarriage or finding out you can’t have children
– have your life or safety threatened
And the list could go on and on. Every person that you would talk to, they could give you their own example.
But who talks about this? Who goes out, to work or school or in a group of friends and just starts sharing their pain? It is TABU. It can be uncomfortable for you and for the others and most of the time we feel the need to keep it somewhere hidden and blocked. Even mentioning it feels like stepping on thin ice.
Sometimes, a hard event can make us feel different that other people. That might be true, but only in the way that you know best how strong you can be if that is needed.
But, if these topics were not important and if they would not mean anything, it would not be so hard to speak or read about them. We could discuss them like weather, holiday or movie topics.
The reason for pointing honestly unpleasant situations is that our main negative beliefs, reactions, attachment style, fears, and unhappiness triggers are this ones. The painful ones. The ones that people rarely talk about.
The ones that stick to our memory, or mental images or sensation in our stomach. The ones that could make us feel inappropriate or uncomfortable when sharing them.
If you have an event that has affected you, believe truly that:
It would have been good not to live that situation, but we can’t always control everything. Some things will happen even if we did our best at any point.
We do not need to feel ashamed or lonely because of it.
We did not make it bad on purpose.
We did not deserve it.
We did not choose it.
We do not carry blame or one sided responsibility for it.
The long list of bad events shows how often this situations can occur and how normal they can actually be. You, me and everyone you know has had at least one bad situation. Or still has.
You do not need to identify yourself with it. The moment you let yourself convinced that some specific events can define the huge complexity that you represent, as a person, that is when you allow negative thinking to happen. We are not able to change the past or a situation that is not under our control. Nothing is totally under our control. The only thing we have is the way we perceive it.
We can accept it and then breath it out. Only then we can focus on finding sustainable solutions. We do not need to carry it on the shoulders or as a shadow. It is part of our story and it is part of what has created us what we are today.
You are not a victim. Don’t forget. You are the only one who can take yourself out of the powerless or doubtful position. You are actually the survivor, the one that could or can get out of it. The one that has all the resources to do so. And for the instruments, you can just ask for help.
You do not need to keep your past quiet. Keeping your problems quiet, hidden, will maintain them powerful and scary or as something that can be seen as shameful. You should be content with the obstacles you overcame.
5 step exercise to perceive bad event in a healthy way
- 1. Choose a bad event in your life.
- 2. Write it down (If it is on paper is not on your shoulders anymore).
- 3. Open your mind to accept that it is happening or it has happened already, without fighting it.
- 4. Look at it and write down a list of 5 things that you are learning or have learned from it.
- 5. Write down another 5 things of how this lessons/event can or will help you grow as a better version of yourself.
If it seems hard, make an effort, we can learn anything even from the worst things (even if we learn what we like or dislike, how strong we can be when we have no choice, or how to avoid them in the future).
You are not alone and you are far away from ever being a victim. You are an absolute example of power and courage already, just for facing what is given to you. You deserve the best out of your life!